Funny Playoff Posts (with captions!)

"Because even Arizona Cardinals players realized that world peace is entirely possible after they advanced to Super Bowl XLIII."









"Mr. President, call in the National Guard! Send as many men as you can spare! Because we are killing the Giants! They need emergency help!"

Boise! Boise! Boise!

Wow ... didn't get to this post fast enough - the game just started.

I like Boise State over TCU, though.

Quick! Another bowl pick!

Give me Troy over Southern Miss tonight. I'll give you guys the rest of my bowl picks in a little while.

Quick! Saturday's Bowl Picks

Let's see ... give me Wake Forest, Fresno State, South Florida and BYU.

Enjoy the weekend!

Fearless Football Predictions

I hate I didn’t write this prior to Dallas’ bye week. I remember picking presidents one fateful Tuesday, and I told a friend of mine that the Cowboys, which were 5-4 at the time, would go 6-1 after the bye week to finish at 11-5.
Things were going quite well – until the ’Boys lost a winnable game Sunday at Pittsburgh. I continue to stand by my prediction, though, and will kindly offer a handful more based on said prediction.

It’s important to remember that Dallas plays the Giants, the Ravens and will travel to face the Eagles in its final regular-season game, which takes me to another prediction I made at my job:

The Giants will lose three of their final four games.

So far, so good: the resurgent Eagles defeated the Burress-less Giants Sunday. Up next for the Giants – the Cowboys, at home against my Panthers and on the road against Minnesota.

I’m 90% sure the Cowboys capture the must-win contest at home. The Panthers aren’t as good as they looked on Monday Night Football, yet I sense that they will knock off the Giants by a field goal. The Giants will limp into the playoffs having lost three of their last four, and will falter in the first round of the playoffs.

That’s the first prediction. Now, I’ll give you the playoff picture and Super Bowl winner:

AFC
East winner: New England. The team that has the best chance of winning out, in my opinion, is the Pats. The Jets will not win at Seattle, the Dolphins will not win the season finale at New York. The Pats will win at Oakland, beat Arizona in a shootout at home, then dust off Buffalo on the road in the season finale to clinch the division title.
South winner: Tennessee (clinched prior to article)
West winner: Denver. In short, it’s just not happening for San Diego’s Chargers. Denver won’t clinch at Carolina, but the Broncos will clinch at home against Buffalo.
North winner: Baltimore. The winner of Sunday’s game between the Steelers and the Ravens in Baltimore wins the division. That distinction will go to the ball-hawking Ravens in a close, close game.
(Bonus coverage: Sunday’s game is tough to call because the Ravens have a rookie QB; I anticipate that Steelers’ defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau will have a plan to harass Joe Flacco. However, I’m concerned with the fact that the Steelers can’t run the ball, in addition to the fact that the Ravens’ DBs should be able to limit what the Steelers’ receivers will be able to do. Baltimore 17, Pittsburgh 13.)
Wild Card 1: Indianapolis. Talk about an easy finish – the Colts host hapless Detroit, then travel to face the punchless Jaguars before they close out with a Titans team that will likely play with its mind on the playoffs (meaning that the Titans’ starters will probably play for just a half).
Wild Card 2: Relax, Pittsburgh! You guys will still get in with an 11-5 record. (Losses to the Ravens and Titans, followed by a win against the Browns.)
NFC
East winner: N.Y. Giants (clinched prior to article)
South winner: Carolina
West winner: Arizona (clinched prior to article)
North winner: Chicago. Minnesota’s remaining schedule: at Arizona, Atlanta, N.Y. Giants. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Vikings lose out. Meanwhile, Chicago has Green Bay at home and will travel to face Houston’s Texans.
Wild Card 1: Tampa Bay. The Bucs’ remaining schedule – at Atlanta, home against the AFC Weak (San Diego and Oakland). They’ll lose to the Falcons, then win out to move to 11-5. The Bucs will win the tiebreaker over the Falcons to advance to the playoffs (best percentage in conference games).
Wild Card 2: Dallas. The Cowboys have a daunting schedule remaining – home against the Giants, home against Baltimore, on the road against Philadelphia. Yet the Cowboys are going to win out – a feat that will make them my favorite to advance to the Super Bowl.

*cue Jim Mora, Sr.* PLAYOFFS?!?!?!?
AFC
New England over Indianapolis
Pittsburgh over Denver
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Pittsburgh over Tennessee
Baltimore over New England
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Pittsburgh over Baltimore
NFC
Cowboys over Cardinals
Bucs over Bears
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Cowboys over Giants
Panthers over Bucs
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Cowboys over Panthers

In the Super Bowl, we’ll have another classic. This time, the Cowboys will finish the job.

The 'Ville is For Real

If you’re a fan of Kentucky basketball (like yours truly), then this hasn’t been a good start to the college hoops season.
First, we get torched for 111 points by Virginia Military Institute. (In the spirit of Allen Iverson’s “Practice” speech) Not by Florida, not by UCLA, but by VMI. Then, the ’Cats were embarrassed by North Carolina in primetime.
The college hoops week didn’t get any better for me – especially after this question came up.
You see, I’m thinking that Big Blue’s biggest rival will be this year’s NCAA champ; that’s right, I believe hated Louisville will cut down the nets in March (or early April).
When it comes to making preseason picks, I’m not a sucker for hype (are you listening, UNC fans?) and give very little weight to preseason polls. However, I like to gauge three things: whether a team has a good coach, whether a team has a solid corps of returning players and how the team did in the previous tournament.
My preseason pick from last season, Memphis, did everything right for me – save for a couple of minutes against Tennessee and Kansas. They had a good coach in John Calipari, they had a solid corps of returning players, led by Chris Douglas-Roberts and Joey Dorsey; also, the team advanced to the Elite Eight a year earlier.
Let’s take a look at the ’Ville. Rick Pitino – yeah, yeah, he’s a good coach. The Cardinals return four starters, led by standouts Terrence Williams and Earl Clark. How did the Cards perform in last year’s tournament? You guessed it, they advanced to the Elite Eight before they succumbed to UNC.
Why not UNC, you ask? Aside from the Carolina blue bulls-eye on the team’s back, I believe the team shouldn’t focus its offense through Tyler Hansbrough. The NBA is a big man’s game; the college game, though, is a guard’s sanctuary. Check the trend of recent NCAA champions, my friends.
Kansas’ Jayhawks were last year’s champs, and once again, bird will be the word. I anticipate this year’s beast of the Big East will toughen in a topheavy conference, then soar to the top of the heap.

Motown Resound

Same game, and well, the same story…

Our nail-biting hero can’t come up with key plays in a pair of nailbiters.

Now, because you guys need something to read, I’ll expound on this further, but the truth is, LeBron James has the ability to be the Alpha and Omega of this series (no sacrilege intended, we are NOT all witnesses, ha ha), yet is allowing the Pistons to take him out of his game.

I’ve heard a few reasons why it’s not all LeBron’s fault the Cavs are in an 0-2 hole, and well, I’ll just take one from a colleague verbatim, who blames…

“His lack of a hall of fame sidekick. Who are you supposed to pass to when the Pistons hold you to ten points and your best 3-point shooter misses wide open shots from the corner?”

This was after a Game One loss, in which LBJ had a layup to tie the game and send it to overtime, only to pass up the shot to a, granted, open teammate for the three and the presumed win, which his teammate promptly missed … prompting this response from yours truly:

Explain to me how you pass up a game-tying layup … that has nothing to do with having a Hall of Fame sidekick ... and LBJ's willingness to play within what the Pistons are giving him (the LeBron Rules? no, the LeBron Laws or something ... for the sake of alliteration) will cost the Cavs the series.

I understand the premise of what you're saying ... it would be nice to say 'ok, let's go for the win on the road with a 3' ... but not when you have a layup/dunk that pretty much guarantees overtime. I understand that LBJ is young and is still learning the game ... but he has to learn to not take what the defense gives him, and he has to learn not to take games off (like he did in the NJ series).

Of course, LeBron got railed by the media, but in LBJ’s and my colleague’s defense, if Donyell Marshall makes that three-point basket + the Cavs win, the subsequent triple-double it would have given LeBron would’ve gotten the Cavs a win in most-dramatic fashion, but still wouldn’t have addressed the problem at hand, which is LBJ’s not knowing when to pass or when to shoot.

As far as not having help from a teammate...
LBJ’s Game One numbers: 10 points on 5-of-15 shooting, 10 rebounds, 9 assists
Zydrunas Ilgauskas’ numbers: 22 points on 9-17 shooting, 13 rebounds (7 offensive)
Andy Varejao’s numbers (off the pine!): 13 points, 8 rebounds (5 offensive)

Hmmmmmmmm…Let’s move to Thursday’s game.

Naturally, all of America knew that LBJ would be exceedingly aggressive in Game Two, not because he made a mistake in Game One of course ;-) but just because he took Game One off it was imperative that the Cavs steal home court advantage from the Pistons heading into Cleveland for Game 3.

The Cavs play an excellent first half in taking a sweet 50-38 lead into halftime … in the midst of:

1. LeBron scoring 14 first-half points … and keeping it aggressive.
2. Overcoming Jason Maxiell’s first-half highlight reel (he banged on everybody but Uncle Ruckus) with a good combination of bench scoring and solid starter play from Pavlovic.
3. Playing solid defense on Detroit’s stars, as well as getting Roscoe (Rasheed Wallace for you commoners) in foul trouble.

All that said, America knew coming out of halftime that:

1. Detroit was going to make a run, especially at home.
2. Roscoe was going to show his arse on the court, either by getting buckets or … really showing his arse on national TV.
3. If the Cavs were going to win this game, LBJ needed to take care of business and close these ninjas out early.

So what did the Cavs do? Try to establish Ilgauskas (mission failed) while DET made one of their patented runs.

Even as Donyell “Where I Wanna Be” Marshall made a trey-ball to give CLE a three-point lead heading into the fourth, you already knew what the business was.

Or did we?

Under two minutes, LeBron up one with the ball after Roscoe makes a bad pass to Big Shot (or vice versa, anywho) … dribbles down the floor and the defense backs up, basically leaving him a 25-footer to put the Cavs up four.

I’m curious to why he doesn’t take that shot. I know, I know, still a lot of time on the shot clock, but it is an open shot, and you have teammates available to rebound.

From there … Roscoe FT, LBJ FT … Roscoe’s heartbreaker of a basket (that’s what Guarini gets for flopping, Pistons up 1 …) setting up the stage for the ‘Drama’ King.

And now, this Public Service Announcement brought to you by the makers of Clutch!

Hi, I’m Magic Johnson. If you’ve ever seen any of my game-winning shots, you’ll notice one very important thing … they’re either jumpers or hook-shots I take after I gain separation from my opponent … what, you think I’d be crazy enough to drive in the late 80’s with these refs?

Hi, I’m Michael Jordan. You might remember me from shots such as “the Shot” against Georgetown, “the Shot” twice against Cleveland, and “the Shot” against Utah. Best believe those were all jumpers … sure, I probably would’ve gotten the call if I’d driven to the basket, but I only drive to make the defense collapse, then I find one of those one-dimensional shooters like Paxson or Kerr. Real talk, though, I’d rather have it in my hands, a cool 15-footer for the win … church.

To be the best, you have to beat the best … I told ya’ll that on NBA Street … now buy my expensive apparel.

LeBron has the ball, heavily draped by Rip Hamilton, who plays EXCELLENT DEFENSE on this play. Rip keeps him in front, Bron spins, he’s there, Bron pushes off with the forearm (no call), Rip is steady with the handcheck (no call), Bron misses, a pair of teammates miss, Rip gets the rebound and pirouettes out of bounds (ball game).

Alright, so we knew LBJ was taking the shot. Dude, against the Detroit Pistons (as Jig said), or any other team for that matter, if you’re taking the shot, DO NOT DRIVE INTO THE HEART OF THE DEFENSE and expect a call.

If you want to be Liberace, do that, but you gotta do it with a 15-footer or a sweet pass to someone (you trust) open for three or streaking to the basket like Halley’s.

But again, we knew LBJ was taking the shot, so why take a shot where you go iso, but you’re trying to back the defender down instead of facing him up the whole way, only to turn around and get a face full of defender while trying to get up a shot.

Not sexy. Also not clutch. Game, blouses. (Speaking of, has anyone seen Tayshaun PRINCE?)

Again with the TEAMMATES!
LeBron’s numbers: 19 points (five in the second half, dang homey) on 7-of-19 shooting, six rebounds, seven assists, six turnovers (as opposed to two in Game One)
Justin Guarini’s numbers (off the pine!): 14 points on 5-11 shooting, 14 rebounds (real talk, Varejao is doing his thing)
Sasha Pavlov (where my dogs kings at, I couldn’t resist) ic’s numbers: 14 points on 7-of-10 shooting, three steals
Daniel Gibson – Donyell ‘Scapegoat’ Marshall’s numbers: 15 points on a combined 5-11 from the blimey deep

Alright, so I don’t want to hear anything else about teammates not helping out, OK (censored)? Here are Kenton’s keys (so muffalovin’ alliterative) for the Cavs (aside from the fact that there are two halves to a basketball game) the rest of the series (and for the rest of LeBron’s natural life):

LBJ’s nightly Magic should win him an Oscar
Again, LBJ has the capability of being the global icon best player in this series, and need look no further than Earvin’s Game 6 tape in the 1980 Finals and Oscar Robertson’s 1961-62 NBA season.

That 10-10-9 jalopy of a performance Bron put up in Game One? Ok, that was just awful. But do you see the potential there? LBJ could realistically be giving the Pistons Oscar Robertson numbers (30-10-10) for the entire series. I don’t think that’s impossible, considering that not even Prince, the Human Octopus, can stop him, and DET won’t dare risk running Rip around on him the whole series (not if they want to have something of an offense).

So go hard for five games, Bron, just five, is all we ask … and just have a Magic moment. Not saying 42 points (well, if you can, do that) … we’re just saying give us 25-9-9 minimum, and stay aggressive, fella, because the Pistons can’t stop you.

You’re stopping yourself. No excuses, as you and Cleveland head coach Stephen Tarver Mike Brown said so eloquently in Thursday’s post-game interview. You got the vision, the talent, now all you need is just to give a Flip Murray.

Keep it high scoring … but play good team defense
Alright, 79-76 … that’s DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-TROIT BASKETBALL right there. 100-90, 95-89, that’s CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE-LAND BASKETBALL. That 50-38 halftime score Thursday was not an anomaly, that’s what the Cavs need to be doing on the regular. Getting buckets, and keeping the Pistons off the board.

It’s not hard, LBJ just has to be aggressive, get a little help (which he’s been getting, if you’ve paid attention), and let a jump-shooting team (like the Pistons can be sometimes) get cold.

Larry Hughes actually has a purpose
Yes, Larry Hughes, or Diet Lamar Odom, actually has a purpose, aside from missing game-winning 10-footers.

We see that the Pistons are fully enforcing LeBron’s laws, basically daring the other Cavs to beat them. When LBJ has the ball, there’s a primary defender, followed by a host of Pistons (one behind the primary defender, with defenders flanking) making sure that LeBron either passes the ball or gets knocked down.

Larry Hughes can be the solution. If the Pistons aren’t denying the ball (which really doesn’t matter if LBJ really wants the ball), let Larry bring it up, and set up LeBron in other ways. That conserves his energy and opens up the floor.

On defense, Larry Hughes is an average/slightly-better than average defender … let him guard the hottest guy in the backcourt on a given night … just to give you an adjustment … and then just let him do what he does as far as picking up lazy man steals and picking off passes into the lane (his specialty).

That’s all, I mean, isn’t that enough?

Oh wait, one more thing from Grandpa LeBron (pushing back my hairline…)

I’ll tell you the problem! That boy doin’ too many commercials...